It's April of 2017.....and I had completely forgotten I had this until about 10minutes ago when I commented on another friend's blog and had to sign in.  And there it was. My blog. It's interesting, because that same friend who's blog I was commenting on was just at our house and we talked about how each of us have lost a baby. Well, in her case, two. So to find this just an hour or so after our conversation is ironic. Eerie?

We live in St Charles, MO now. It's a suburb of St Louis. Beautiful, humid, and home. Three weeks ago we had our third and final baby, a girl. She joins her big brother and sister, and she is loved loved loved. As ade our other two. So much has changed in the five short years since I last posted on here, yet reading it back makes it seem like it was just yesterday. If I didn't have the three littles needing me every second, I might actually believe it WAS yesterday. Ha!

There is something to be said for writing in a forum that begs for attention yet forces anonymity (unless the blog site is shared).  I used to think I might write for a living.  Now I just change diapers. And I wouldn't change it for anything. Not ONE SINGLE THING.

Ahhh!  Isn't it wonderful when time passes and the inevitable healing comes??  I haven't been back to this blog since the last day I posted....literally.  And now that I'm here, I'm wondering what I can possibly say that is of any interest, or is worth reading.  So here goes....just a pouring out of my heart.

I am so thankful for my life, for the air that I breathe, and for this heart that keeps on beating.  I am thankful for my wonderful kitties, and for the joy they bring me when they're playing, fighting, purring, or just sleeping in the windowsill.  I am thankful for a loving and hardworking husband who makes me feel beautiful even when I'm not.  I am thankful for the way he reminds me to pray and read my scriptures, and for the priesthood that he blesses my life with and takes so seriously.  I am thankful for a family that calls, loves me, has forgiven me for being young and stupid, and that allows me to be a part of their crazy lives.  I am thankful for a job that allowed me to be gone for so long and made it possible for me to stay as part time.  I am thankful for a body that hasn't betrayed me with any illness, and that works day in and day out.  I am thankful for my faith and for the love that I feel from Heavenly Father.  I am thankful for the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for all of us, and the companionship he gives in times of loneliness.

I am thankful to be alive...so very thankful.

Name

We had discussed names for this baby, whether it had been a boy or a girl.  Tonight we decided that we would still name him what we had originally thought for a boy, because even though we were never able to hold him in our arms, we would never think to name another child what he already was going to be.

Jordan Allen Wayman, died 12/7/2011

We miss you, our little precious angel.

Love you with every bit of our being,
Mom and Dad

Boy

We found out the results today from our little precious angel's autopsy.  Trisomy 18.

We also learned that he was a little boy.

A little baby boy.

Just knowing that makes this almost unbearable.  Our little precious baby boy.

My heart is breaking into a thousand million pieces tonight.

Awakenings

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Awakenings" with Robin Williams?  If not, PLEASE see it first, then come back and read this post.  If so, do you remember when his patients first start to move by catching the ball that is thrown at them?  The nurse in the movie says that it seems they are "borrowing the will of the ball", and that's why they are finally moving after years of being catatonic.

That's how I feel right now.  Dan has his branch's Christmas party tonight, and I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I've been "borrowing his will" for the last two and a half weeks, and that's what's kept me going: his will and his belief in me.

A woman from work and I were talking last Thursday as we walked to our cars, and I said to her that the most confusing and troubling parts to all of this are all of the unanswered WHYs.  Why was our little baby still alive when so many things were wrong??  Why was her little damaged heart still beating when she didn't even have an actual brain, just a brain stem?  Why was that precious little heart still going when all of her internal organs were on the outside of her tiny body??  Why??  And this is what she said to me:  "Well, Laura, it's because you are stubborn, and I believe it was your sheer will keeping her going."  I had to laugh to myself, because she's probably right.

I guess sometimes that's the only thing that keeps us going: another person's belief that we can.

So cute!!

Just found these from my first visit to Bellingham (Jan 2011) on the computer!!

Time heals.....

When I think about the timeline and really consider that we knew something was wrong all the way back in October (E.R. visit for bleeding), then on November 14th (we were first told about possible cystic hygroma and omphalocele and were referred to Univ of Washington), it seems like the 5 weeks that passed between then and the final diagnosis on November 30th would have prepared us, even if only slightly, for the final outcome.  But it so didn't.  The emptiness I felt after losing her was PROFOUND.  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  And the simple act of wrapping my head around all of this has proven to be harder than I thought.

These past two weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life...but strangely enough, they've also been wonderful as well.  Danny and I had, coincidentally, scheduled vacation time this whole past week.  We originally planned to take a honeymoon, then found out we were pregnant and decided to stay close to home and do cheap and fun things, and THEN found out about everything...and, well, you all know the rest.

I didn't leave the house at all, didn't even put on make-up, and Daniel was here with me the entire time.  He didn't leave my side.  He has shown me unconditional love and patience and kindness, and has carried me, literally, through all of this.  He is SUCH a wonderful man, and I am so absolutely blessed to be married to him.

The power this has had over our marriage is astounding:  I KNOW that because we survived this, we will survive everything life has to throw at us.  I KNOW that I am with my eternal companion, and that my love for him is more powerful than anything I could have imagined feeling for another human.  And I am humbled by it.

We've been talking about what is in front of us now, and how we can make the best of it...TOGETHER.  Most importantly, we are now actively trying to get our paperwork in order so we can be sealed.  This is of upmost importance to us both, especially now, and I can't wait to get started on the planning for that once we can set a date.  The Brigham City Temple won't be finished until the end of next year, so we decided we will just have to do SLC, or even Logan.  It will be fun to get that rolling, and to put my energy into something so positive and wonderful!

Thanks to everyone for reading and for your calls, texts, emails, phone conversations, and most importantly, for your love.  We have felt every single prayer, and we love you all.