Name

We had discussed names for this baby, whether it had been a boy or a girl.  Tonight we decided that we would still name him what we had originally thought for a boy, because even though we were never able to hold him in our arms, we would never think to name another child what he already was going to be.

Jordan Allen Wayman, died 12/7/2011

We miss you, our little precious angel.

Love you with every bit of our being,
Mom and Dad

Boy

We found out the results today from our little precious angel's autopsy.  Trisomy 18.

We also learned that he was a little boy.

A little baby boy.

Just knowing that makes this almost unbearable.  Our little precious baby boy.

My heart is breaking into a thousand million pieces tonight.

Awakenings

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Awakenings" with Robin Williams?  If not, PLEASE see it first, then come back and read this post.  If so, do you remember when his patients first start to move by catching the ball that is thrown at them?  The nurse in the movie says that it seems they are "borrowing the will of the ball", and that's why they are finally moving after years of being catatonic.

That's how I feel right now.  Dan has his branch's Christmas party tonight, and I honestly don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I've been "borrowing his will" for the last two and a half weeks, and that's what's kept me going: his will and his belief in me.

A woman from work and I were talking last Thursday as we walked to our cars, and I said to her that the most confusing and troubling parts to all of this are all of the unanswered WHYs.  Why was our little baby still alive when so many things were wrong??  Why was her little damaged heart still beating when she didn't even have an actual brain, just a brain stem?  Why was that precious little heart still going when all of her internal organs were on the outside of her tiny body??  Why??  And this is what she said to me:  "Well, Laura, it's because you are stubborn, and I believe it was your sheer will keeping her going."  I had to laugh to myself, because she's probably right.

I guess sometimes that's the only thing that keeps us going: another person's belief that we can.

So cute!!

Just found these from my first visit to Bellingham (Jan 2011) on the computer!!

Time heals.....

When I think about the timeline and really consider that we knew something was wrong all the way back in October (E.R. visit for bleeding), then on November 14th (we were first told about possible cystic hygroma and omphalocele and were referred to Univ of Washington), it seems like the 5 weeks that passed between then and the final diagnosis on November 30th would have prepared us, even if only slightly, for the final outcome.  But it so didn't.  The emptiness I felt after losing her was PROFOUND.  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  And the simple act of wrapping my head around all of this has proven to be harder than I thought.

These past two weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life...but strangely enough, they've also been wonderful as well.  Danny and I had, coincidentally, scheduled vacation time this whole past week.  We originally planned to take a honeymoon, then found out we were pregnant and decided to stay close to home and do cheap and fun things, and THEN found out about everything...and, well, you all know the rest.

I didn't leave the house at all, didn't even put on make-up, and Daniel was here with me the entire time.  He didn't leave my side.  He has shown me unconditional love and patience and kindness, and has carried me, literally, through all of this.  He is SUCH a wonderful man, and I am so absolutely blessed to be married to him.

The power this has had over our marriage is astounding:  I KNOW that because we survived this, we will survive everything life has to throw at us.  I KNOW that I am with my eternal companion, and that my love for him is more powerful than anything I could have imagined feeling for another human.  And I am humbled by it.

We've been talking about what is in front of us now, and how we can make the best of it...TOGETHER.  Most importantly, we are now actively trying to get our paperwork in order so we can be sealed.  This is of upmost importance to us both, especially now, and I can't wait to get started on the planning for that once we can set a date.  The Brigham City Temple won't be finished until the end of next year, so we decided we will just have to do SLC, or even Logan.  It will be fun to get that rolling, and to put my energy into something so positive and wonderful!

Thanks to everyone for reading and for your calls, texts, emails, phone conversations, and most importantly, for your love.  We have felt every single prayer, and we love you all.

normal

Is it normal to be feeling so freaking angry???  I feel like breaking every single thing in my house right now.  All I keep thinking about are all of the bad choices I made when I was younger, all of the REALLY bad choices, and how this must be my restitution payment for them.  Like, HERE, Laura....here is how you're going to pay the universe back for being so stupid.

I hate feeling so out of control.  And that's what I am.  I am out of control.

Sleep

I'm not sleeping anymore.  Daniel keeps telling me to take the xanax the doctor prescribed, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.  Although I did dye my hair today.  It felt good to actually see the "Laura" I'm used to, but then a feeling of overwhelming guilt took over, and I felt sick for quite a while.  I guess I'm assuming the xanax will have that same effect?  Or maybe it will allow me to sleep, which will stop me from picking at my face, staring off into space for long periods of time......and maybe...just MAYBE....could afford me the clarity I desperately need????

I guess there is a part of me that believes that these last few days with her are going to make a difference, even though I KNOW this is not possible.

Update

Friday's meeting with our doctor brought more sadness, but also a bit of peace.  I asked him if there was ANY chance of survival for this baby, even prefaced my question with, "Now, I know that you're a doctor and cannot legally tell me 100% yes or no, BUT......" and he answered bluntly.  He told us that not only do we have the two terminal issues with her brain and intestines, but she also has a heart that seems to be pumping in a circular way, and not with two distinct contractions from each side.  He said that the baby seems to be in pieces, and that the only parts of our multiple ultrasounds that appear to be normal are her lower extremities.  He said that he can tell us with certainty, that absolutely she will not survive.  He also told us that the longer we allow this to go on, the more at risk I will become.  He told us that each procedure becomes more and more complex, and that it's not safe to continue this...for me...especially if we do want to have children in the future.

And even though hearing all of that was incredibly painful, it also made this decision an easier one to come to.  And after careful discussion, prayer, and council with our Bishop, we have made a definite choice to move forward.

I have spent hours scouring the internet for ultrasound pictures from healthy pregnancies, and they are night and day compared to ours.  I've also spent hours reading other women's blogs who have chosen to carry their babies to term only to have them die in their arms a short while later.  I have spent HOURS torturing myself, second-guessing myself, and ignoring these simple truths:  This pregnancy is not going to turn into a beautiful and healthy baby.  This pregnancy doesn't even have the option of carrying to term and being born naturally, because there is no skull to go through the birth canal, and because of the enormous omphalocele.  This baby will have to be surgically removed from my body either now, or by cesarian in the future.  I will not get to meet this little soul in 6 months.  These two diagnoses are only the beginning.  THIS IS NOT THE OUTCOME WE WANT.

I feel like I'm on autopilot right now.  It's like I have to figure out how to live again.  The life that Daniel and I have been planning for almost two months now is over.  And I don't quite know how to start over. Every single thing in our life has revolved around June of 2012: preparing for, talking about, and getting excited over.....and now it's gone.

I don't know what to do now.

Angry

Up and down, up and down...I cannot commit to an emotion.  Well, perhaps that isn't true.  Anger is one that is very prevalent right now.  Anger and confusion.  I want to just scream and scream and scream, and then to wake up in my parent's house, a child, and start over.

I want to start at the beginning, make better choices, not put my body through the hell I did for years.  I want to erase the seizure medication, love my natural hair color, and not use products with aluminum in them.  I want to shake the "Laura" that existed three months ago, and to tell her that her trials aren't done.  I want to warn her that there's more.  And that there will be MORE and MORE as the days wear on.

I want for this to all be a dream.  To have never been pregnant.  To not know what it's like to share a body with this precious little being that now I'm going to have to live without.

I.
Just.
Don't.
Understand.

And I'm feeling so sorry for myself, it's hard to breathe.