Update

Friday's meeting with our doctor brought more sadness, but also a bit of peace.  I asked him if there was ANY chance of survival for this baby, even prefaced my question with, "Now, I know that you're a doctor and cannot legally tell me 100% yes or no, BUT......" and he answered bluntly.  He told us that not only do we have the two terminal issues with her brain and intestines, but she also has a heart that seems to be pumping in a circular way, and not with two distinct contractions from each side.  He said that the baby seems to be in pieces, and that the only parts of our multiple ultrasounds that appear to be normal are her lower extremities.  He said that he can tell us with certainty, that absolutely she will not survive.  He also told us that the longer we allow this to go on, the more at risk I will become.  He told us that each procedure becomes more and more complex, and that it's not safe to continue this...for me...especially if we do want to have children in the future.

And even though hearing all of that was incredibly painful, it also made this decision an easier one to come to.  And after careful discussion, prayer, and council with our Bishop, we have made a definite choice to move forward.

I have spent hours scouring the internet for ultrasound pictures from healthy pregnancies, and they are night and day compared to ours.  I've also spent hours reading other women's blogs who have chosen to carry their babies to term only to have them die in their arms a short while later.  I have spent HOURS torturing myself, second-guessing myself, and ignoring these simple truths:  This pregnancy is not going to turn into a beautiful and healthy baby.  This pregnancy doesn't even have the option of carrying to term and being born naturally, because there is no skull to go through the birth canal, and because of the enormous omphalocele.  This baby will have to be surgically removed from my body either now, or by cesarian in the future.  I will not get to meet this little soul in 6 months.  These two diagnoses are only the beginning.  THIS IS NOT THE OUTCOME WE WANT.

I feel like I'm on autopilot right now.  It's like I have to figure out how to live again.  The life that Daniel and I have been planning for almost two months now is over.  And I don't quite know how to start over. Every single thing in our life has revolved around June of 2012: preparing for, talking about, and getting excited over.....and now it's gone.

I don't know what to do now.